I slammed the bedroom door, plopped down on the couch and covered my tear-stained face with my hands. I had just yelled at my two boys, ages three and four, and now my heart felt muddied with shame. Oh, make no mistake — I could justify my explosion, but an explanation could not erase the guilt.
All I wanted was some me time. Was it too much for a very pregnant, exhausted mom to ask? I needed them to give it up and go to sleep! After almost an hour of giggles and muffled voices, I finally lost my cool. Storming into their bedroom, I yelled and cried and stomped my feet. I punctuated my outburst by slamming their door with all the gusto I could muster.
And now, I found myself face to face with the need for redemption, grace, and forgiveness. I cried because I was so ashamed. I cried because I had disappointed my Heavenly Father and myself. And mostly, I cried because my fatigue, frustration, and selfishness had spewed all over my young sons.
I curled into a ball on the couch wanting to make myself look as small as I felt. The stench of sin filled my heart. Lord, can You forgive me? Will David and Matthew forgive me? My tirade melted into a quiet whimper.
It had been noticeably quiet in the boys’ room since the wrath of Momma had exploded.
Out of the stillness I heard Matthew whisper, “Boy, Momma was MAD!”
“Yeah, I know,” David said. “I like it better when she smiles.”
The edges of my mouth turned up into a ridiculous grin. Thank You, Lord. Thank You for the sweet little boys You have given me. I wiped my tears and knew what I had to do.
As I opened the bedroom door, two precious, repentant voices echoed, “Sorry, Momma.”
“Me, too,” I said as I wrapped them both into a giant bear hug. I rubbed my face in their hair and smelled that little boy smell that squeezes every ounce of love out of me. “Me, too,” I whispered again.
As I reflect on this memory, I think of how the Lord must also prefer my smiles over tantrums. Tantrums are born out of frustrations and rebellion, whereas a smile is born of contentment and trust — even when things don’t make sense.
James encouraged the nation Israel to “Consider it nothing but joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you fall into various trials. Be assured that the testing of your faith [through experience] produces endurance [leading to spiritual maturity, and inner peace]. And let endurance have its perfect result and do a thorough work, so that you may be perfect and completely developed [in your faith], lacking in nothing.” ~ James 1:2-4 AMP
As much as I detest trials, I do enjoy a developing faith that reaches deep with strong roots tapping into the Living Water that flows within and secures me when fierce gale winds blow. Under the pressure of trials, we not only learn the depth of our faith and gain an understanding of the essence of who God is, we also experience the expanse of His great love.
A love that turns our tantrums into smiles.
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