When We Don’t Have the Answer

I’ve thought through cute little topics to write about this month, but I haven’t been feeling all that cutesy. A sister church asked me to lead a retreat in the fall about when life gives you lemons, so I thought maybe I’d do a post that parallels our struggles with the life of a lemon. Honestly, I couldn’t muster the thoughts to put them on paper. So, instead of a neatly tied-up article, I’m going to simply be real for a few minutes.

Life is a Struggle

Life is a struggle currently. My mind is foggy and if the appointment or reminder isn’t in my phone, I’m not going to show up or complete the task. Jokes are flying over my head, especially sarcasm—and I’m the queen of silliness and joking. Sitting still in a chair means a nap that I can’t avoid, and my recliner is occupied almost daily after lunch.

My mind is either pretty slow and seeking an escape through reading or swirls with all the what-ifs of countless questions. I’m still wearing a heart monitor and there have been several events recorded that concern me. The amount of flips, skips, and aches is downright scary, to be honest. And as a mom, I can’t help but allow my mind to wander into What-If Land.

What-If Land

What if it’s not just tachycardia, but instead something bigger? How is my family going to handle a heart surgery and what if there’s something else majorly wrong? Or what if I don’t make it? I know as a believer heaven is ultimately my home and I have that assurance, but as a mama, my heart wants to hold my kids as long as I can. I want to make sure they grow into young men who love the Lord and I don’t want to miss a moment of their little lives. As Winnie the Pooh says, “If you live to be a hundred, I hope to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live a day without you.” That’s the wish of this weary mama’s heart.

Or what if my thyroid biopsy comes back as cancer? Logically, I know the thyroid is one of the organs where cancer tends to occur in a localized manner,  and treatment is relatively noninvasive. But what if there’s more to it? Am I going to hold up under the pressure of more waiting? Treatments? Surgery? What weight would that place on my family and children?

This is where my brain lives lately—in this What-If Land. No, I don’t let my mind stay there very long, but when there are no answers and only waiting, the crazy, and not so crazy extremes are paralyzing. I’ve never been one given to anxiety, but lately, I’ve become well acquainted. I finally understand others when they express knots in their stomach, extreme emotional responses, and nagging thoughts that won’t go away.

Before You Preach

Now before the preaching and advice begin, I’m desperately seeking the Lord. Every morning, I get up early and spend time listening to praise music and journaling through my emotions. God hears from me daily and I’m in the Bible waiting to hear from him. A friend and I have been reading Priscilla Shirer’s book, Discerning the Voice of God, and I’m learning to recognize his voice and see what part of his character he wants to show me through this season.

I would love to come to know him as Jehovah Rapha, God my Healer. Deep down we always seek a miracle when the questions loom overhead. But lately, as I pray, the only direction I get from the Lord is no matter what comes, I’m to write my way through it. Be vulnerable. Share my struggles. Pose my questions. And invite others along with me on the journey—wherever that road may lead.

Not the Answer I Want

That’s not the answer I want from the Lord. I want assurance that everything will be okay. Comfort that the outcome will be great, and I’ve been fretting for nothing. But all I’m hearing from the Lord is to continue writing through whatever season he brings me to and trust he knows best.

This long-term planner doesn’t know what to do with instructions like these. My finite human mind can’t process the unknown. And even though I’ve seen God come through time after time, sometimes that doubt still creeps in. I wonder where I’m heading and if God really does know what he’s doing.

The faith part of my brain tells me God will be there with me no matter what comes, and he will get the glory through it all, I just need to trust. I wish I could stay in the land of faith all day long, but ultimately, even though I know that train of thought is true, those dadgum what-ifs always sneak back in.

Being Obedient

This post is an act of obedience to the Lord. My thoughts aren’t always holy. My fears often rule over my faith. And my heart is regularly conflicted between the love I feel on earth for my family and friends and the hope that waits for me in heaven. I think we can all relate, especially when life throws us curve balls and it’s a struggle just to pick up the bat and swing.

But one thing I know and am holding onto is the promise in Romans 8:28 (NASB). “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” I belong to Christ. He called me a long time ago and I answered. Because of this, I know he will cause all things happening in my life to work together for the good he deems is good, not my human understanding of good. This is my hope. And really, this is the hope all of us must cling to.

As the psalmist says in 115:1 (NASB), “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to Your name give glory, because of Your lovingkindness, because of Your truth.” What I don’t understand today, God already knows and will reveal in his timing. Until then, all I can do is be obedient and write my way through whatever comes, hoping that God will somehow get the glory in all of it.

Christy Bass Adams

Christy Bass Adams, is the Outreach and Connections Coordinator at Fellowship Baptist Church in Madison, Florida. She is also a writer and had her first devotional book published in summer of 2022 (Big Lessons from Little People) followed by a middle grades novel (Imagination Checkers) in the fall. Her most important role, however, is with her family as a wife of 18 years and mother to two busy boys. She worked in education for over 18 years at both the elementary and collegiate levels. Her favorite pastimes are fishing and sitting around a fire. For more from Christy, visit her blog at christybassadams.com.

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