Forgiveness is a Gift We Give Ourselves

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves during the holidays, and every day. It is Christmastime, and family gatherings open up all kinds of tense and tricky situations. Those closest to us have more power to hurt than anyone else. The closer the relationship, the more complicated our feelings. No one should go back into a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. However, it is important to remember that life is short, and family relationships are too valuable to throw away.

Colossians 3:12-13 says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Forgiveness is a Gift to Myself

A few years ago, I sat in our ladies’ Christmas tea convicted by the speaker’s words of an unforgiving attitude. Some family members wounded me deeply. I was so convicted that, before heading home, I visited each one who had wounded me. Though neither had confessed to wronging me, I offered them my forgiveness. As I acted in obedience to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, and my heart was healed.

Not long ago, during a discussion about forgiveness, my husband found it necessary to remind me of that hurtful incident. I am still amazed. Through my obedience, God removed that hurt so far that the incident did not readily come to mind.

The true work of forgiveness is a heart/spirit matter for the one forgiving. As we forgive in obedience to God, the Holy Spirit works to remove the sting of the offense. In most incidences, we probably will not forgive and forget completely, because being human, we have long memories. However, God so renews our hearts and our relationships, that the hurt heals over with barely a scar. God’s forgiveness is a gift freely given to us. When we freely forgive others, it opens us up to a whole new level of growth and spiritual maturity.

Unforgiveness is Satan’s Tool

In the second chapter of Genesis, God created marriage and family. The family is his plan for populating his world and spreading his word. Jesus was born into a family because God intended families for good. Not all families are good and healthy because we live in a fallen world. However, it is still God’s plan that the family unit be the place where we first experience love. It is where we first learn to relate to others who disagree with us. Forgiveness is a gift that allows that to happen.

Because Satan desires to destroy God’s good creation, where better to begin than by disrupting families? When he does so, God’s plan to populate the world with people who love and obey him from earliest childhood is thwarted. In John 10:10, Jesus says, “ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Satan wants our families and friendships to be a train wreck. He’s happy to sow seeds of discontent among believers and those they love. It suits his purpose to make us less effective in living out the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In a perfect world, if someone injured a friend or family member, they would immediately realize it. They would repent, seek forgiveness, and work to restore the relationship. Jesus commanded us to do so in Matthew 5:21-24. But we cannot be responsible for other people failing to obey scripture. Pride prevents people from admitting they were wrong. It fools them into believing that asking for forgiveness isn’t necessary. Pride tells the wronged individual to nurse their hurt feelings. Pride says to hold onto the grudge, to refuse to forgive unless the offender jumps through the hoops.

Forgiveness is a Gift from God

We are to confess our unforgiveness to God. Yet, time and again, we are commanded to forgive. The only instance of a command to confess to other people occurs in James 5:16. Here, confession is part of the church elders praying for the sick. Perhaps the most well-known instance is that of Joseph’s brothers, in Genesis 50. Though this is an example, not a command.

The Lord’s Prayer, in Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” God’s forgiveness of our sins is based entirely in Christ’s sacrifice on the cross (Ephesians 2:8-9). It does not rely upon our forgiveness of others. However, our failure to forgive others does damage our relationship with God.

Time and again in the New Testament, God commands believers to forgive. Matthew 18 gives specific guidelines for handling disputes between believers. When we are in a right relationship with the Lord, we will desire to make human relationships right also. Human nature being what it is, this fails to happen as often as it should. What about the instances when the offender fails to seek forgiveness? Should we hold out for that non-existent repentance and refuse to forgive until our offender makes things right?

Further along in verses 21-35, we see Peter ask Jesus how many times he must forgive someone who offends him. Jesus answers, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Jesus goes on to tell the parable of the unforgiving servant, illustrating the mercy of God toward us. The unforgiving servant goes to prison for his own debt. Then Jesus says, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

How many times does God forgive me of sins I’m not even aware of committing? How many times do I sin and not think my offense worth the effort of making right? Only if I am sinless can I demand that another do what I, myself, fail to do. Forgiveness is a gift that allows me to understand more fully God’s forgiveness of me.

Forgiveness is a Gift Beyond Myself

It is logical and wise to not return to a situation where an abuser may do us serious harm again. However, in matters where we are not in danger of serious harm, we have the option to agree to disagree. We can choose to forgive and move on, regardless of the offender seeking our forgiveness.

God uses everything that happens for my good and his glory. So, what does he want to do in my heart, whether or not my offender ever makes things right? What does the situation reveal about my own pride? Pride causes me to be concerned about no one but myself, not family, not my circle of friends, just me. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

How might other relationships be affected by my failure to forgive? What do I lose in other family relationships if I avoid gatherings altogether? What if my failure to forgive creates a domino effect that destroys an entire family or group of friends?

Parents, this is a weighty responsibility. We are to be examples to our children. Future generations learn from our failure to forgive. How does our lack of forgiveness affect others within our circle of influence, family members, and less mature believers? Forgiving my offender is a gift that affects others beyond the immediate relationship.

Forgiveness is a Matter of Obedience

In Romans 12, Paul teaches that Christians are to think and behave different from the world. We are to act in the same way God would act. In other words, in ways that are often contrary to human nature. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” God cannot act contrary to his character, therefore, his will for us must also be in line with his character rather than our own.

Verse 3 provides a sobering challenge, “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” Whoa. Isn’t that what the unforgiving servant was guilty of? So, I cannot demand that someone else do what I am incapable, unwilling, or unable to do.

Continuing in Romans 12, verses 14-21, we read, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them … Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Forgiveness is a Gift to be Freely Given

It is Christmastime, and the truth is that disagreements, lack of forgiveness, and resentment destroys entire families. God commands us to live in harmony. We are to repay evil with good, do what is honorable. We are to do the exact opposite of what has been done to us. In other words, we are to be the bigger person in a dispute.

What do we stand to lose by our refusal to forgive? Holding out for that apology can cost us irreplaceable relationships. We can destroy the opportunity to experience of large family gatherings for ourselves and our children.

Might God be asking me to forgive freely, leaving other’s conscience and behavior to him, and move on? How might God bless me for choosing to forgive, move on, and put others before my wounded heart? Can I trust God to heal me and leave him to deal with the other person in his own way? Forgiveness is a gift I can give myself and others that frees up my circumstances to allow God to work.

In a world filled with hate, how might I be an example of forgiveness? Would God enable me to remain an active member in my family, setting aside my wounded feelings for the greater good?

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18