Even in my ugliness, he loved me still

Wounds of the heart can grow bitterness. Ugliness. Anguish, or distress.

Or … wounds of the heart can grow good seeds of grain, crushed to produce life-giving bread to feed others. Deep faith can grow with roots steady and strong. Eyes can open to see abounding grace and the abiding presence of the Lord.

He loved me still, using my crushing wounds to produce life-giving bread for others

It’s a choice.

A process.

And it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

Like me, the children of Israel were a stubborn people. Through the prophet Isaiah, the Lord implored them to return to Him.

In returning and rest you shall be saved; In quietness and confidence shall be your strength. But you would not. ~ Isaiah 30:15

“But you would not.”

I’ve been there. Have you? Have you felt so entitled to your pain that you didn’t want to let it go? Have you ever allowed your heart to become calloused from the blisters of wear and tear as you try to figure things out yourself, thinking God has abandoned you?

I have.

But God.

But God wouldn’t let go. He pursued me with His love! His mercy and grace, so undeserving, washed over me mingling tears of great sorrow with tears of thankfulness that the Lord my God loved me still and remained faithful.

Yes, even in my ugliness — He. Loved. Me. Still.

God wouldn’t let me go. He loved me still.

Isaiah continued in verse eighteen:

Therefore, the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; And therefore, He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blessed are all those who wait for Him.

He waits for us to return to Him with our whole heart, and soul, and mind, and strength. He waits. And while He waits, we learn that He alone is our hope. Our joy. Our peace. In turn, we learn to wait for Him — expectantly. For in the waiting we learn who He is. We find confidence in His sovereignty. His promises.

We learn to rest in Him.

Then He will give the rain for your seed with which you sow the ground, and bread of the increase of the earth … There will be on every high mountain and on every high hill rivers and streams of waters (verses 23, 25).

A cool breath of wind whispered across my face. I knew it was the Lord. He was teaching me something.

I leaned back on my elbows in the freshly mowed grass and looked up at the summer sky. Thunderheads lined the ridge, towering above me. Behind a particularly ominous cloud, peeked the sun. Just a bit, but enough for me to notice its brightness — just enough for me to remember that, although covered by the storm clouds, the sun remained.

I sat up and pulled my Bible close — I wanted to know what the Lord was showing me.

Out of my darkness, His light will shine.

I found it in the next verse:

Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day that the Lord binds up the bruise of His people and heals the stroke of their wound. ~ Isaiah 30:26

I realize these verses are referring to the second coming of the Lord Jesus, but God’s Word speaks into our lives today. I know that I know that on the grassy hill beside my home beneath a summer sky, He spoke to me:

Out of my darkness, His light will shine. Darkness will flee and I will see clearly His beautiful face and walk in the glory of His Name. He will bind up my bruised spirit and heal the stroke that pierced my heart, severing it in two. He will do this like He promised as I offer my wounds to Him.

He will give rain for the seeds planted through our wounds — seeds to offer hope.

And in due season, if I faint not, He will give rain for the seeds planted deep into my heart — seeds to strengthen the faith of others, seeds to offer hope when there is despair, seeds to bind up the wounds of others and lead them to Jesus.

Dear one, God is no respecter of persons. What He has done for me, He will do for you — if you’ll let Him. Will you let go of that which is keeping you bound in chains? Will you trust Him to make you whole once more, to use this pain you’re enduring to grow roots deep tapping into the Living Water, to grow wings as of eagles that you might soar into the heavenly heights?

Like me, you’ll find that even in the ugliness of your heart, His love remains.

Nan Jones

Nan Jones is an author/speaker who uses the words of her heart to assist fellow Christians in discovering the Presence of God in their darkest hour. She has been published in several anthologies as well as the online inspirational sites Christian Devotions, and Inspire a Fire where she is a monthly contributor. She is also a monthly contributor to PW Connections, a blog and forum to encourage pastors' wives. Nan has had the honor of being featured as a guest blogger on several sites. She is thrilled to announce her debut book, The Perils of a Pastor's Wife released June 30, 2015 by Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas. This memoir was a 2016 Selah finalist. When Nan isn't writing, she enjoys leading prayer retreats, bible studies or sharing God’s love as keynote speaker for special events. She is becoming known by her brand: "Even so, I walk in the Presence of the Lord" as she teaches her audience to go beyond the veil to find God's Presence. You may visit Nan at her website: www.NanJones.com. Nan has also created a facebook community page, Seeing Beyond The Veil, to provide a place for folks to go and get away from the chaos for a few moments and focus on Jesus through scripture, worship, testimony, and inspirational quotes. For personal communication you may email Nan at nan@nanjones.com The Perils of a Pastor's Wife is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and LPC Bookstore

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  1. Beautifully said, Nan. I love how God’s word always speaks into our lives. We only have to listen. I love the visual, He will give rain for the seeds planted through our wounds ~ seeds to offer hope. 🙂

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Joann. What a blessing you are. I love that visual too. The brokenness releases the life within when it is watered by His Word.

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