There’s nothing like the month of January and a fresh start to help motivate families to learn new ways to stay calm while parenting.
Without a doubt, it’s difficult in our face-paced world to manage our big emotions. But when we do, it helps our children handle theirs.
As adults become aware of how every jot, tittle, and non-verbal gesture counts, 2026 will prove to be a winner from the start.
If you are looking for tools to learn how to become more self aware of your emotional state, keep reading.
Your unruly children will thank you.
Learn To Co-Regulate
Speaking from experience, when someone’s emotions are strong and exaggerated, their (negative) responses are not desired, and typically much more than expected.
Staying within the “window of tolerance” is the place where people can best manage their stress while disciplining little ones.
When adults are mindful of their ways and able to utilize strong self-control, they appear safe to children.
As caregivers remain stable (despite the chaos of life), they model how to walk in peace – even in spite of overly energetic kids.
Consider Your Ways
An unknown author illustrated the point well. “Children are great imitators. So give them something great to imitate.”
As conscientious followers of Jesus, we want what is best for our kids.
It’s understandable that treating our children with harshness is not God honoring and can potentially harm them – emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Oftentimes, despite good intentions, we raise our voices. We “lose it.” We rant, and our children run and hide.
We know from familiar New Testament text that “love covers a multitude of sins,” and utilizing the fruit of the Spirit [of self-control] is the best way to parent.
As godly adults who have committed the verse to memory, we are riddled with guilt for exasperating our children to be resentful.
Spiritually Effective Parenting
“Commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed.” (Proverbs 16:3 NLT)
Abraham Lincoln’s quote, “Your actions speak louder than words,” reflects how kind attitudes are just as important as the narrative being spoken.
The Greek root of the word provoke means to “inflame, irritate and chafe.” Ouch!
God forbid that we adults would ever excoriate and damage our child’s precious spirit.
Best practice for effective parenting is to calmly, in a neutral, loving voice, vocalize your preferred expectations.
Walking in the Spirit (and not our unredeemed humanity) is always a winning choice.
Learning To Say “No” God’s Way
Are you aware that some toddlers can be told “no” up to 400 times a day?
That is a lot!
I don’t think it’s a stretch to presume that adults and little ones alike are exhausted by this emotional tug of war.
Children often feel like they are “bad” and confuse their poor behavior with their godly identity.
While there is a certain need for parenting to be repetitive and corrective, it’s important to keep our tone pleasant.
Our attitudes need to be considered when bringing redirection to our little ones.
We are admonished to “speak our truth in love.”
My Parenting Story
As an inexperienced mother, I couldn’t seem to keep my temper in check, nor could I ‘hold my peace.’
It took me a while before I learned how to submit my emotions to the leadership of Christ Jesus.
Self-taught, I read as many books as I could.
Dr. Dobson’s book on The Strong-Willed Child was well used.
I desperately desired to learn the skill of staying “cool, calm, and collected,” yet I failed many times when trying to parent my boys.
Forty years ago, as a busy mom with sons 20 months apart, I was too overwhelmed; I could not “stay in the moment.”
True. I was stretched to the limit, so it was easy to take things personally.
When my kids disrespected my rules, I thought they “should know better.”
At times, someone might even characterize me as a rageaholic.
Break The Generational Cycle
Regrettably, I repeated my mother’s same parenting behavior.
Desiring to change my ways, I promised myself to do better. Yet I woefully repeated the same maternal mistakes.
If my boys acted up, I would pull the car over. I would wave my spatula towards the back seat, yelling at my sons like a crazed lunatic.
When I was angry (and simultaneously trying to discipline my kids), I was sinning against them.
I knew I needed to alter my parenting patterns, but I was at a loss.
For the life of me, I didn’t know how to break the generational similarities learned from my mom and dad.
Tools and Encouragement
Sometime in the early 1990’s, I recall picking up a skinny little book with an eye-catching title, “Mommy, why are you screaming?”
The picture of a parent-child power struggle grabbed my attention.
I’m not sure if this is the exact phrase used, but it opened my eyes.
When I missed the mark, my kids paid the price.
I was able to observe my reactionary sins.
Alas, when I stumbled upon 1st Corinthians 13:5 in the Weymouth New Testament version, I really started to contend for a breakthrough:
“She does not behave unbecomingly, nor seek to aggrandize herself, nor blaze out in passionate anger, nor brood over wrongs.”
The message was simple: be angry – sin not. Speak words that are worthy.
Stay in the Optimal Emotional Zone
Working as a child therapist in the secular world since 2012, my real passion is to share what I have learned in the field of Psychotherapy and to encourage other Christians to parent their kids well – according to biblical standards.
In therapeutic jargon, when someone is struggling to emotionally regulate themselves, this is called being out of the window of tolerance.
If you are hyper aroused, it can look like you are overly excited or “blowing your top” in anger.
When someone is on high alert, a fight/flight response is activated in their body.
Conversely, when someone is under aroused, they may feel bored, or emotionally numb, shut down – even detached from reality.
Suffice it to say, if you can stay calm while expressing yourself, you and your child will enjoy a happier relationship.
State The Positive
As a fledgling mother, I didn’t realize that when I said “no” to my child, I was supposed to simultaneously verbalize exactly what behavior I wanted to see replaced.
As a grandmother, I now know that when I give a child direction, the expectation and limit must be phrased in the affirmative – not couched in the negative.
For example, when I worked at an elementary school and overheard early childhood teachers say, “Let me see walking feet,” I was impressed at what I saw.
The children were happily obedient.
Please note, this prompt for hallway safety given to undisciplined students was worded in the positive.
The direction to “walk quietly” was stated well before any correction was made (i.e. such as reminding kids of the rule, “no running in the hallway”).
“In controlling and disciplining them, be firm, but kind… Children do not always discern right from wrong, and when they do wrong, they are often treated harshly, instead of being kindly instructed”. Ellen G. White
Action Plan
What if adults in children’s lives paid more attention to the good choices their kids were making?
I learned in Graduate school when you focus on positive reinforcement and attend to the behavior you want to see increase in your kiddo, you can shape the outcomes of your child.”
A familiar therapeutic colloquialism is to “try and catch the child doing something good.”
Sentiments from Philippians 4:8b (NIV) is similar. We are reminded to pay attention to what is “excellent or praiseworthy.”
According Brain Balance, one tip to help kids with ADHD make and keep New Year’s Resolutions is for you, the adult, to “praise your child’s efforts as well as accomplishments.”
To let them know you support them no matter what.
By focusing on the positive (be it ever be it so small), we can praise our kids’ intentions to follow the directions.
New Year’s Decrees
I have high hopes for 2026.
As adults adopt Christ-like calmness (and leave the world’s knee-jerk, reactive “survival mode” of parenting behind), the year ahead can be filled with good memories.
If your New Year’s goal is to stay regulated, so as to “co-regulate” your child, please consider the parenting decrees.
They can be repeated daily.
#1: By staying calm and mindful to remain in my window of tolerance, I will bring safety and security to my children.
#2: Before I am provoked to anger, I will model self-control. I will ask for a break to “breathe and pray” – requesting God reset my emotions. (This example will nurture and guide my children).
#3 When I ask my child to “try again” or follow my redirection, I will use a gentle and loving tone – so as to not break their precious spirit.
I pray blessings over you and your family, wishing you a calm and happy New Year.
Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them.” —Lady Bird Johnson
Good advice for most relationships!