Seasons of Painful Change

I’ve quite literally waited until the last minute to write this post, because thinking about my season of change isn’t inspiring, pleasant or exciting.

It’s painful.

Last month I told you about an amazing man, my Granddad, who was fighting a tough battle against Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. That battle began on August 10 and ended on September 6.

It was quick and unexpected. I still have dreams where he’s sitting right next to me, but I wake up to a world he’s no longer in. I’m not sure if it’ll ever be normal.

I didn’t just lose a grandpa. I lost a best friend and a man who was like a father to me for most of my life. I never imagined living in a world without Walter Jacob Jasper. Yet here I am.

The memory I’m holding onto the most during this season of painful change is the Saturday before his passing. My mom and I sat on either side of his in-home hospital bed and talked about past memories, laughed and cried. He told us how proud he was and how much he loved us.

He knew he wouldn’t be on this earth much longer and we were given a chance to say goodbye.

What an awful transition word. Goodbye. It’s not the end of a sentence or a page or even a chapter. It’s the end of the story. A life. It’s final.

It’s hard to even put into words what kind of season this is for me. I know my world is changing and I’m changing with it, but there’s not a clear emotion I can identify.

It’s sad because he’s gone. But I can’t be angry knowing he’s with the love of his life and his Savior.

I miss him more than I even thought possible, but I can still feel him everywhere I go.

Happy and sad. Excited and anxious. Angry and at peace.

The best way I can sum it all up is, I’m waiting for him to come home, but I know he’s already there.

The truth us,  I’m still learning to love the process. I’m still learning to find joy in the little things and peace in life’s stressful situations.

I thought this season would be about loving and embracing every moment for him.

It’s not.

It’s about loving and embracing every moment for me.

And that’s only the first lesson I’m learning in this season of painful change.

Jenni Beaver

Jenni is a twenty-something storyteller from the Sunshine State. When she's not writing a novel or screenplay, she's editing a video or film for the business she co-owns with her mom. She loves animals and has SIX pets! Everyday she tries to stay positive, inspired, and caffeinated.

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  1. Loss is always hard. You will feel it for a long time. I’m praying for the Lord to comfort and bless you. When I think of my loved ones who are in heaven, I picture them with Jesus enjoying their time together.

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to say good-bye to those we love. Beautiful story of your granddad. I was beside my dad when the biggest change in my life occurred also—a life without him in it.

    May we both feel God’s peace and comfort and renew our love for Him as we await another change—when we will be like Jesus and reunited with our loved ones for eternity!!!


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