Reconciling Relationships by Transforming Conflict

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. – John 13:34

There was a time in my early adulthood when I stopped watching the news. This decision wasn’t to bury my head in the sand. It was a boundary for my mental health in a season of life that was just too overwhelming.

Social media then wasn’t what it is now. It can be more difficult to set a boundary around the consumption of information. Posts and notifications bombard us daily, often moment-by-moment. Sure, we can turn off the notifications, but then the fear of missing out, or FOMO, kicks in. Our brains are becoming addicted to the constant barrage.

Social media, and in some cases media in general, has become a mirror of our society. It often feels as though neighbor has turned against neighbor, friend against friend, and families have been torn apart. It’s become a place for airing our grievances, rather than respecting our differences.

I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to bury your head in the sand.

However, as Christians, we are tasked with sharing God’s love to the ends of the earth. How can we go about this task if we feel defeated before we ever get out the door?

Thankfully, our God is the God of reconciliation and there is hope and a way.

Transforming Conflict by Respecting Our Differences

What happened to the times when we could have civil discourse, even debate, and yet still see the value and humanity of the person in front of us?

As much as I dislike conflict, somehow I ended up on my high school debate team. In retrospect, I believe I was drawn to the challenge because of my natural tendency to run from confrontation and conflict. On some subconscious level, I desired to be equipped.

Similarly drawn, I recently participated in a program where we learned about transforming conflict into an opportunity for reconciling relationships. My gut reaction was, “God, I really don’t want to do this.” I’ve learned to sit with these thoughts before acting. My obedience led to a deeper understanding and clearer focus on what it means for each of us to be unique.

When I’m in a coaching relationship, we focus on a person’s unique gifts, personality, and even limitations, all with a growth mindset. Our internal conflicts are often initiated by external conflicts. If we aren’t equipped with the language and skills to see beyond the conflict, to truly see and respect the person, it’s similar to being a young child without the vocabulary to express the really big emotions we experience.

Temper tantrum anyone?

So what can we do to come together with our brothers and sisters throughout the world, or perhaps next door, maybe in our own home, knowing that we can’t always resolve conflict?

Some conflict can’t be resolved, but it can be transcended. The transformation happens when we can rise above the conflict to respect our differences. We can do this in a way that fuels our love for one another, with appropriate boundaries. Then we can truly see each other for who we are underneath all of the noise.

In a world full of fear and anxiety that can often fuel conflict, the wonderful news is, this is a skill we can learn.

Choosing to Respond with Respect and Relational Wisdom

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14: 27

We have the power to choose how we respond in any given situation. We can choose to have a peaceful heart as we lean into conflict. We can find respectful ways of allowing the situation of conflict to transform into an opportunity for reconciliation.

A relational wisdom model can help us be intentional about our choices as we interact with others. Relational wisdom is the desire and ability to live out Matthew 22:27-29, to “love God with all your heart, and to love your neighbor as yourself.” It is “your ability to discern emotions, interests, and abilities in yourself and others, to interpret this information in light of God’s Word, and to use these insights to manage your responses and relationships successfully (RW360.org).” 

Relational wisdom focuses on our relationships with ourselves, with God, and with others. As we take the time to become more aware in each of these relationships, we can recognize, understand, and empathize not only with the experiences, emotions, values, and interests of others but also with our own. We can see the person, perhaps ourselves, separate from the fear and anxiety that drive the conflict. We can recognize things in ourselves we might not have noticed before, such as implicit bias, where we are not even consciously aware of the attitude we hold. When we do this while also viewing life through God’s lens of love and reconciliation, we truly begin to see each other through all the noise of conflict.

As we become more aware in each of these areas, we can respond with trust in God. We can manage ourselves in ways that reconcile relationships and change lives. We can choose to respond with respect and relational wisdom.

It begins with us.

In What Space Can You Practice Transforming Conflict for Reconciliation?

When I entered the world of social media, it was to better understand its influence on our children. It was a big step for this girl who had once shunned the nightly news.

Once I got there and saw the negativity, I desperately wanted to be a force for God’s goodness in a space that often houses conflict and drama. My heart knew it was time to lean into the conflict to help share the message of reconciling love. What used to feel overwhelming came into focus. I knew if something I shared of God’s love touched one person’s heart and helped them navigate life and its inevitable conflict, whether it’s their relationship with God, themselves, or others, that was enough of a reason to enter the battlefield.

What space can you enter into to share God’s message of reconciling love? May it start from within and become an overflow of your heart.