Patiently Bear With One Another – Healing from Miscommunication

Have we become so conditioned for instant gratification that we have forgotten to patiently bear with one another in love?

Instant answers from the internet without having to research. Instant pictures without having to wait on film sent off to be developed. Instant access to movies without having to go to a store or kiosk. Instant responses instead of snail mail. The list goes on and on.

And in that conditioning of instant gratification, we have lost something.

Our Capacity to Patiently Bear With One Another

I recently read a statement that if you text someone and they don’t respond within a day, they aren’t interested in prioritizing you.

I beg to differ.

The statement seemed to convey that the person felt hurt or forgotten because they hadn’t heard back from someone they care about in this short period of time. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve heard this sentiment. Yet, if we are patient, our character grows, and we can find hope instead of spiraling toward negative thoughts. 

We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. Romans 5:3-5

One day I was listening to a podcast when I heard something that touched the depths of my soul. Basically, it was to assume the simplest explanation for someone’s behavior until we find out what’s really going on.

Wait, what? So I shouldn’t spiral into all the negative thoughts about what I’ve done to cause the situation I’m imagining in my head that led to this perceived injustice?

Exactly. We can grow our capacity for patience, and bear with one another in love to find hope together.

What it Means to Patiently Bear With One Another

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Bearing (noun): “The level to which something can be tolerated,” and/or “awareness of one’s position relative to one’s surroundings (Oxford Languages),” and/or “the manner in which one behaves or comports oneself (Merriam-Webster).”

To follow God’s gentle guidance in Ephesians 4:2, let us consider not the level of toleration we have for a perceived injustice, but rather to be aware of ourselves and how we behave in the moment. Doesn’t it sound better to pause and take a moment to be aware of ourselves and to choose how to behave from that space, rather than to spiral into negativity?

In the moment of pause, we may find we have a bias toward a certain way of thinking because of an experience when things didn’t go the way we had hoped. But also in that moment of pause, we can recognize that for what it is – a past experience that likely has no true bearing on the current moment, but one that stayed with us because of the wound it left.

Wounds from Miscommunication Can Be Healed

Allow me to share a real life example for some insight. Someone once told me years ago that they were hurt because someone had left her on read. For the life of me I was trying to figure out what red she was talking about!

My mind went immediately to the color, because I had no context to go by at the time. I had no idea what she was referring to! These days it’s fairly common knowledge that being left on read means that someone can see that you’ve seen their message, but you haven’t yet responded.

Oh instant gratification, did you have to invade this space too?

At the time I was a young mom in the shifting digital age. I was still using my digital camera and thought that was advanced! I’m from the generation that went from sending that 24-roll film (sometimes even 36!) to the store to be developed, sometimes waiting weeks for those pictures, to now uploading and even printing them at home. We’ve gone from corded phones and huge computers to one device in the palms of our hands. We used to go to video stores to rent movies, and now watch them at the touch of a button. We’ve gone from mailing letters, to email, and now to texts and instant messages.

The learning curve is real for anyone my age or older, and I’m not quite 50 yet! Of course, my friend whom I left on read is several years younger than me…

It bothered me that my friend was so hurt by thinking she was being ignored. While the digital tools and opportunities offered to us today are absolutely amazing and useful when used in the right way, they have also helped feed the world’s current mental health crisis by conditioning us toward instant gratification.

To patiently bear with one another; perhaps the other person saw the message but wasn’t able to respond in the moment for any number of reasons, or perhaps they didn’t understand or misread the expectation of a response.

The Simplest Possible Explanation

My memory of this experience resurfaced when I saw the statement about not being someone’s priority if they haven’t responded to your message within a day. Going back to that podcast on reframing for the simplest possible explanation, I am reminded of other instances where this would’ve saved me a lot of mental anguish.

Once, for about a year, I misunderstood a friend’s lack of communication to be something I did, when in fact they were struggling with something that had nothing to do with me. Instead, I turned inward from fear and ruminated on what I could have possibly done wrong. If I’d only had the courage to ask, we could have walked through her pain together. I could also have avoided much of my own self-inflicted pain. Had I practiced reframing my thoughts to the simplest possible explanation, I  wouldn’t have had so much pain in the waiting.

There is so much more going on

Friends, there is so much going on in the world, in our families, and even in our own minds. I think it’s pretty safe to say that most people don’t intentionally forget to respond to you. Rather than spiraling into negative thoughts, let’s choose to think on the simplest possible explanation until we can find out otherwise. And when the time is right, may we have the courage to ask!

So What Can We Do to Patiently Bear with One Another?

What are some simple possible explanations you could entertain to stop spiraling into the negative while waiting? Could it be the person you’ve not heard back from is:

• Distracted from having too much on their plate or in the moment they saw your message, they were in the middle of something else and couldn’t give it their full attention?
• Working a job where they aren’t allowed to be on their phone? Maybe they saw your message on a bathroom break, couldn’t respond and then forgot.
• Exhausted from a long day of demands?
• In a different time zone?
• Experiencing a service outage?
• Only saw the message preview?
• Didn’t realize there was more to the message before they swiped it off their screen?
• On vacation, or somewhere without reliable service?
• Simply disorganized and/or forgetful?
• Not aware you expected a response, or possibly misread that part?
• Dealing with pain, illness or loss?
• Neurodiverse?
• Experiencing brain fog?
• Geographically, physically or mentally somewhere challenging?
• Experiencing hormonal shifts that throw everything out of whack (not that I’d know anything about that…)?

You are not forgotten or less of a priority to someone because of a missed message. You have not been forgotten because someone can’t immediately reply or forgets to respond.

Maybe they’ll eventually respond, maybe not. And then sometimes people do intend to respond, but for whatever reason don’t hit the send button. This has happened to and by me several times. It happened just recently when trying to schedule time with a friend and she thought she responded. Thankfully I’ve learned not to assume the worst, but to reach out again if I haven’t heard back.

And it may take me a few days to even remember that!

Most of us are empathetic people who would never intentionally cause someone to feel forgotten or hurt. I’m trying to be proactive and tell people I may need a reminder with anything. I am neurodiverse, have chronic pain conditions and am in a season of shifting hormones, among a laundry list of other things. Not everyone is comfortable sharing those kinds of struggles and may have the added burnout/stress of holding it all in, which makes it even easier for miscommunication and misunderstandings to happen.

I honestly try to respond timely to others, but it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I completely forget until something triggers my memory. I’m so grateful for grace and forgiveness when I forget, and I hope I always extend that same grace and forgiveness to others.

What situation in your life could use a simplest possible explanation right now? How could you reach back out to that person with grace and forgiveness to proactively communicate for the sake of your relationship?