Moving Beyond Betrayal

Then David sent for her (Bathsheba), and when she came to the palace, he slept with her.

~2 Samuel 11:4 NLT

“I’ve had an affair.” Moving beyond betrayal takes stamina and more courage than we can muster on our own.

What percentage of marriages survive infidelity varies widely depending on the source consulted as well as the nature of the affair itself. However, one thing is sure: unfaithfulness is a trust-breaker. Yet, unfaithfulness doesn’t have to drive the final nail into the coffin. Moving beyond betrayal and saving a marriage is entirely possible. When unfaithfulness occurs, the betrayed must ask and answer several questions.

Is forgiving the right thing to do?

Forgiveness is always appropriate from God’s perspective. Although it may seem impossible, forgiveness should be immediate, although it might have to be repeated multiple times. We must forgive others as God forgives us when we sin against him. God’s forgiveness is even tied to our forgiveness of others (Matthew 6:14-15).

While we can’t forgive in our own power, we can with God’s. The betrayer might not deserve forgiveness, but forgiving is more for our benefit than theirs. If the betrayer has confessed, expressed sorrow, asked for forgiveness, and reiterated their love, they have shown the signs of true repentance.

What does God want me to do?

God hates divorce. His original design entailed them lasting a lifetime. Sometimes, this is impossible. The betrayer has no desire to stay. Abuse places one spouse and perhaps the children in danger. But many marriages that crumble could be saved. While God permits divorce on the grounds of adultery, He never insists that divorce must take place. That—like unfaithfulness—is a choice. Partners willing to work diligently can experience a stronger marriage on the other side of unfaithfulness.

Can I live with my betrayer without trusting them?

Forgiveness and trust aren’t identical. We can forgive without trusting. Trust is like a credit rating. One unwise decision can affect both. And like a credit rating, trust takes years to fully bloom. The question is whether the betrayer is doing their best to restore trust in the marriage.

Do I have to know all the details?

When betrayal happens, adverb questions are common: how, when, where, how often, to what extent, why, and under what conditions. Knowing more makes it more difficult to forgive and re-establish trust. Settle for the simple fact that they have betrayed.

Can I live with my betrayer without bringing up the incident again?

Rehashing the incident impedes healing, as does assigning blame. We must parrot God, who doesn’t keep bringing up our sins.

What about my spouse initially led me to love them?

Build up the betrayer through prayer and encouragement. Love them unconditionally. Remember, none of us are beyond sin—betrayal included.

Keeping a marriage intact in the face of betrayal is possible. Let God move you beyond betrayal.

Father, help me to forgive those who betray me, even as you forgive me when I betray you through sinful acts.

Martin Wiles

Martin Wiles lives in Greenwood, SC, and is the founder of Love Lines from God. He is a freelance editor, English teacher, pastor, and author. He serves as Managing Editor for both Christian Devotions and Vinewords.net and is an instructor for the Christian PEN (professional editor’s network). Wiles is multi-published author. His most recent book, Grits, Grace, and Grands, is available on Amazon. He and his wife are parents of two and grandparents of seven. He can be contacted at [email protected].

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