I knew her as a fellow believer, animal lover, and musically inclined. When I met her, she was in the last few years of a nursing career and looking forward to retirement. She was quick witted and intelligent. And she loved others deeply.
That limited knowledge was enough to say I knew her. But as I listened to stories at her memorial service, I quickly realized I only knew a tiny piece; the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface was a woman of many interests, achievements, careers, and travels. This humble woman never praised herself or boasted of her accomplishments. Her talents were exposed only in the company of others who possessed the same skills and talents. Her worlds were kept separate.
Months prior, when this same friend was diagnosed with cancer, her various circles collided. People crawled out of the woodwork to ensure she had rides to appointments, infusions, and scans. As her health declined, more people showed up to feed and care for her animals, repair porches, and fix fences. And when she had the stroke that led to her passing, the visitors shared stories with each other, and we all learned enormous amounts about our dear friend.
As we met for her celebration of life, we were all amazed at how little we still knew about our friend. People from different seasons of her well-lived, adventurous life shared story after story. When the true picture came into view, we were encouraged and overwhelmed. There was so much we didn’t know, but we were all blessed to meet each other and learn the details.
We are All Icebergs
We are all icebergs; floating in the sea of life. When we come across another iceberg, we only see what they have sticking out of the top. And that’s all that they see of us too. A small segment. A safe part. Obvious inferences. Pieces of personality.
The rest of the iceberg remains hidden. If a person proves worthwhile of our time and energy, more of ourselves rise above the surface. It takes time, often years, before we share more than hints. Icebergs can be too much, and no one ever wants to scare someone away with the enormity of their story.
But what do we truly fear? Why do we keep our worlds separated? Is there something we are hoping to avoid? Or is this a situation of random chance?
The Rest of the Iceberg
I cannot speak for my friend, but I share different parts of my life with different circles. My writing community only knows me in that vein. The books, speaking opportunities, conferences, and online writings are how we stay connected and keep our conversations flowing. Conversely, I have many church friends who have no idea I am even a writer and speaker. When they find out, it’s like their minds are blown. But then I have many peers in education who have no clue I am a writer, speaker, or outreach coordinator. They only know me in my role as former Saint Leo Instructor or elementary educator. And very few in any of my circles are aware of my background in sports and music as a young person. I don’t purposely not share, I think it comes with the territory of being diversely connected with others.
Sometimes, however, our icebergs are big, cumbersome, and ugly. These chunks are filled with shame, regret, betrayal, anger, hate, abuse, defeat, fear, and sin. We prefer to keep these areas below the surface, and go to great lengths to keep them hidden, even from our closest companions.
The Cost of Hidden Icebergs
Icebergs are known for causing dangerous collisions at sea. Boats assume the ice is a certain size and do not account for what hides below the water. And that’s the danger for us too. There comes a point when the hidden iceberg rises up to the surface unannounced. Suddenly our past collides with our present and people don’t understand what happened. Why is there a warrant for arrest? What kind of work did you do to cause this kind of revenge? What type of person were you that allowed friends of that kind? Do you catch my drift?
We need to ask ourselves why we keep hiding our lives from each other. Jesus died for all of that hidden junk and he wants to redeem what the enemy hoped to ruin us with.
King David noted this after his great sin of adultery with Bathsheba. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you Psalm 51:10-13 (NIV).
David didn’t want to waste this sin. He wanted to share the testimony of God’s forgiveness with others and help them turn back to God. If God can redeem David, he can redeem us.
Living and sharing in different circles is one thing. But intentionally hiding ourselves from others is no way to live. The hidden life of my friend wasn’t a deep dark secret; she just existed in very different groups that had no reason to merge until her passing.
What Exposed My Iceberg
Confrontation from a loving friend who cared enough to expose my sin.
Honesty and confession of my hidden faults, sins, and shame with my loving friend who held me accountable.
Removing unrealistic societal expectations and exchanging them for Christ’s identity.
Intimacy with Christ at the deepest level and learning to walk in true integrity.
Surrendering my testimony, offering it to God for use at his leading.
Turning away from my old way of life for good and completely embracing my new life in Christ.
C.H.R.I.S.T.
None of the steps above would be possible without him.
Are you ready to expose more of your iceberg?
(for more on authenticity: Authentic Living and Spiritual Practices – Inspire A Fire)
© copyright Christy Bass Adams, April 2026, All images from Canva
Wise words. Thank you, Christy.
I love the iceberg metaphor. Years ago, a writing instructor shared how our writing is like icebergs and it really made sense. So does this.