Oh, the joy of a new baby in the family. Tiny feet and fingernails. Fine wisps of soft hair. Sweet baby dreams accompanied by fleeting smiles and smirks—what thoughts and visions could possibly fill their mind in these first days of life? Our daughter recently delivered her first child (our 7th grandchild), an adorable little boy. Today, gratitude for a safe, uncomplicated labor and delivery fills our hearts. I’m especially excited because this is the first of our grands to live close to us. I hope to get lots of cuddles and kisses. Along with this new development comes the challenge of how to tactfully and gracefully parent our adult children in this season of life.
The Labor Process: To be (there) or not to be.
As our daughter’s pregnancy progressed, we had discussions about her desires for the labor and delivery process. She knew that I would be as involved as she wanted me to be, since I live close, but it was her decision. Childbirth is such a personal thing. It’s a time for mom and dad to bond over their amazing, shared experience of welcoming a new life into the world. The intensity and emotion involved is unmatched by anything else in life.
When my daughter decided to have only her sweet husband in the room for the labor and birth, I was fine. I didn’t feel disappointed, threatened, insulted or mad. She knew I was there for her if she needed me. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship built on trust, respect and love, over 26 years (of course, as all mom and daughters, we’ve had moments), not being asked to be in the delivery room would not change that.
The Art of Parenting Adult Children
Navigating life as a parent of grown children is an art. Over time we get better at it—after many starts and stops, successes and failures—just like any other life skill. It’s been many years since the first of our clan left home and eventually married. That was the start of our journey of letting go. That detachment process is critical, not only for your own life, but for the well-being and maturity of your adult child.
As Christians, we hold to the belief that marriage is a sacred and solitary arrangement. When two people get married the Bible says they become “one flesh.” They leave their parents, and their union with their spouse becomes their primary relationship. It’s difficult for many parents to accept that change—helicopter parents particularly.
How to Walk Out Parenting With Grace : Practical Tips
What are some practical ways we can walk out this separation and still make sure our children know we love and support them? Here are some tips for gracefully parenting our adult children:
Abstain from sharing unsolicited advice.
Your young adult children are still figuring things out. The figuring things out process is part of their growth. That pertains to finances, household organization, child-rearing, etc. Keep the channels of communication open and let them know you are there for advice, if needed. When asked for advice or counsel give it, tactfully and lovingly, after praying for wisdom and the right words. Every now and then, my kids ask for advice on a matter. At other times, I simply hold my tongue, nod, and smile.
Resist pressuring your married child to come for visits, events, holidays, and family trips.
Remember, your child’s first responsibility is to their spouse and their own young family. Your adult child is busy with life as they develop their own routines and traditions. Sports practices, music lessons, church events, and neighborhood gatherings fill their calendar. Let them determine the best time to visit and then be thrilled when they do. Don’t forget, if your child is married, there’s another family involved, as well. Learn to share.
Always ask before you plan a visit to see your out-of-town children.
As mentioned above, young families have full calendars. Before you visit, make sure it’s a time that’s convenient for them. This can be hard for those of us who are retired and have loads of time on our hands. Hi son, dad and I want to park our RV in your driveway for a couple months, that OK? When your grandchildren are little, you may have to go to their house for Christmas, or wait to see them until after, as they establish their own Christmas morning traditions.
The point here is to not add stress to your grown child’s already stressful life by putting expectations on them, imposing yourself into their life without invitation, or giving endless unwanted advice. Let them know you believe they are fully capable of making wise decisions without your help. Respect the fact they’re putting the needs of their young family first. It is possible to gracefully parent your adult children and maintain a close relationship with them.
I have two daughters-in-law who I dearly love. I’ve tried to allow them to navigate their marriages, parenting, and households without interference. I think they would say I have succeeded thus far. The daughter-in-law issue is a tricky one, to be sure. I mean, how could she have an issue with my angel-boy? Sometimes we moms think that way. I happen to see my boys as flawed human beings (as we all are) trying to do their best to live a godly life and lead their own families with patience and grace. They sometimes make mistakes but they will learn and grow as the years go on. Again, their wife is their primary relationship, and they are to love her as Christ loved the church.
Cleanliness is Next to Godliness (and Organization is Key!)
While my daughter was in labor, I went to her house to clean. Our grandson decided to come two weeks early, so they left everything in disarray when they made the mad dash to the hospital. I was happy to do this for them. I wanted them to walk into a spotless, lavender-scented home when they arrived with the baby the next day. All went well until I moved from cleaning to organizing! I couldn’t stop myself. I’m a very organized person who believes everything has its place and that place should make sense.
Well, my daughter was very appreciative of my efforts and extremely happy to come home to a clean house. There was only one problem. The next day I got a call from them. They couldn’t find anything! I ‘d gone overboard with my organizational efforts. I apologized for overstepping my bounds. Of course, I was able to tell them where each of the lost items were, because they were in a place that made sense(!).
If you have grown children who are married, do your best to respect those relationships. Enjoy watching your son become a godly and kind husband and father or your daughter a loving and capable wife and mother. You raised them well. Trust them and trust God to help them navigate life in today’s turbulent world. Pray for them—daily. Tell them you love them—often. Thank God for your parenting journey and enjoy this new phase of life to the fullest.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
You never stop being a parent to your children. But, as you indicated, you need strong boundaries.
My parents and in-laws were 150 and 270 miles away, respectively, so there were no surprise visits.
My son, his wife, and my adorable grandchildren are just 7 miles away. It is a challenge to wait until you’re invited or asked, especially when chores mean you may already be in the area where they live. They need to grow into their role as parents, much in the same way distance helped my wife and I when our boys lived at home.
Steve, yes so true. We never stop being a parent. Our role simply changes and we have to give them room to shape their own family culture in confidence and faith. Thanks for reading!
Thank you Beth for your words of wisdom.💕
Thank you for reading, Bernie!
How wonderful that you are able to have adult to adult relationships with your children.
It is definitely a blessing that I don’t take for granted. I know there are many others who have strained family relationships. Thanks for reading!