Looking Beneath the Surface: Forgiveness and Grace in Women’s Ministry

“Your perception of me is often a reflection of you” (anonymous)

Our perception of others is unalterably tied to our own past experiences and sometimes, our own biases. I recently learned this lesson in a vivid and literal way in my capacity as a Bible study leader at my church. God reminded me that we often must look beneath the surface to faithfully minister to women in our churches and communities. We must model forgiveness and show grace in women’s ministry, even when misjudged by others.

One night, as I gathered my things after teaching a ladies Bible study, a woman who’d been sitting in the back of the room, made a beeline to where I stood. The serious look on her face made me say a quick prayer in my spirit—that God would give me what I needed for this situation, whatever it was.

When she reached me, she said, “Can we meet somewhere to talk?” She wanted to discuss something that was deeply troubling her. “Absolutely, I’d love to meet with you.”  We proceeded to set up a time and a place to meet and then headed out to the parking lot.

The Meeting

My husband and I had briefly been in a Sunday school class with Brenda (not her real name) before we moved to another class. Since then, I would see her occasionally in the hallways of the church and most recently, in the Bible study I was teaching. But our interaction had been limited.

A couple days after our conversation at Bible study, Brenda and I met in a children’s Sunday school room. It was obvious something was really bothering her. I couldn’t imagine what it was but had been in prayer about this meeting and thought I was ready for just about anything. I would soon have a glimpse beneath the surface of Brenda’s life.

The Bombshell

Suddenly, Brenda blurted out, “I feel like you don’t like me”. I was taken aback by this bombshell, to say the least. After all, I didn’t really know Brenda well. I immediately assured her that wasn’t the case at all and in fact, when I saw her name on the Bible study list, I was happy that I’d have a chance to get to know her a little better through the course of the study.

I told Brenda I was so sorry she’d somehow gotten that impression. “Actually, I love you very much as a sister in the Lord.” I told her I appreciated the insightful comments she’d made in our Bible study classes thus far and that I also had great respect for her dedication to a particular cause she championed. “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?”, I said. I wracked my brain wondering what I’d possibly said or done to offend her.

The Backstory

Brenda’s face softened as she began to reveal details from her past. Apparently, when she was a teen, Brenda had been bullied, teased, even shunned by the “mean girls” at her high school. She’d never felt accepted or good enough. Then, Brenda revealed the real reason she’d asked to speak to me: I reminded her of them—the mean girls. My heart lurched. I didn’t know what to say. She went on to explain that it wasn’t anything I’d said to her, or anything I’d done. It was my appearance. It was a trigger for her of past trauma. I looked like the mean girls who had so damaged her heart.

I thought to myself, Yes, I try to look “put together” for church. I’ve always been that way. My mama would turn over in her grave if I wore sweatpants or shorts to church (although there’s nothing wrong with that . . . Jesus doesn’t care). And at this point I’d scare people if I went out without make-up! This is just who I am.

The Rest of the Story

As we continued to talk, Brenda revealed more about her past including some pain and trauma from her childhood that she’d still not sufficiently processed. Her home had not been a loving, nurturing place. Brenda had even been in counseling at one point. As our conversation continued, my heart broke for this precious woman of God. Although many years had passed, that wounded young girl still found her way into Brenda’s life, at times affecting her relationships, her security, her peace.

The bottom line? It really wasn’t about me at all. I was just a reminder of the pain she’d experienced all those years ago. Brenda knew she still had issues to deal with and healing that needed to take place. She admitted she may need more counseling and was pursuing that avenue. I listened to her talk, tears rolling down her cheeks, for more than an hour. We finished our time with a hug and a promise to meet again, at which time, I told her, I would share more of my own story. ( I was shy, naïve, and sheltered as a young teen, which made me a bit of a target, as well.)

Looking Beneath the Surface

Why is this story important? Well, whether you’re actively involved in women’s ministry, or in other areas of your church or community, there will be women who misjudge you—no matter how sweet you are, or how pure your intentions. Remember that it’s not always about you. The important thing is that we see beneath the surface to the heart of the women we serve.

Many women in our churches carry a heavy weight of grief, heartache, hurt and loneliness. Not all of them will have dealt with these issues fully. We must always respond with grace and support them with prayer, encouragement, and friendship. Instead of being easily offended or defensive when we’re misjudged, we can be prepared to forgive. We can be careful not to misjudge others ourselves, and instead, make the effort to really get to know them.  We can look beneath the surface.

Brenda and I are friends now. That experience was a blessing. It reminded me that women are complex and there is much more to them than what is seen on the surface. The key is: to be authentic, to show people we care about them, and to always respond with grace. With God’s help we can have deep, fulfilling relationships with our sisters in Christ. That means providing encouragement, prayer support, practical help when needed, and the sharing of godly wisdom. What a gift and privilege it is to minister to other women as we deepen relationships, build trust, encourage each other, and share God’s love within the family of God.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14  (NIV)