I discovered something about myself recently… I don’t like feeling my feelings.
Go ahead, laugh. I know it’s funny! Maybe even a little oxymoronic. Feeling our feelings is kind of the point, right?
I was in my first therapy session talking about painful memories from the past and BOOM. The tears started flowing without my permission. I struggled to swipe them away, hoping my therapist hadn’t noticed.
She did.
She reached for a tissue. I reluctantly took it and said, “I hate crying in front of people.” But what I really meant was: I hate crying.
I’m okay being happy and excited. There’s nothing like being all giddy and joyful.
But…
Fear freezes me. I can’t do anything, because I let it consume me.
Anger burns me. I keep it inside and it burns and burns until my entire soul is on fire in the worst way.
Sadness shrinks me. I force it away until I’m two inches tall, sobbing on the bathroom floor.
I do everything I can to take my feelings and shove them down, hide them away, avoid and abort. I hate feeling the feelings that aren’t happy. The ones that aren’t good.
But it’s holding me back.
And it’s holding you back, too.
There are so many things that God has in store for each of us. There are dreams He’s planted in our souls that we need to water and let grow. I know He has amazing things for me to do, but I can’t do them if I’m struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I can’t do anything if I’m fighting my feelings every step of the way. Those feelings, no matter how painful, are God-given. They’re important.
So what now?
Now I’m learning to feel. Feeling things means I’m digging through the muck in my heart and soul. It means I’m moving closer to the future, one tear-soaked tissue at a time.
I won’t pretend to know where you’re at in life right now. But I will tell you that I know feelings are hard. Hard but vital. We have to feel, use the heart God gave us, and process the things that happen to us and those we love.
Here’s to a future of feeling things. Heavy things and bright things. Here’s to being happy to be alive and feeling everything.
