I hear and read it often: abuse begets abuse. The victim becomes the abuser. I understand the tendencies, but I have to declare that the quote is not a physical law. I am one who broke the chain.
My father was an alcoholic. When drunk, he would become very abusive. His threat to whip until I would have to sleep like a horse—standing up—was not an idle comment. That did not carry over to me and my children.
Even better is watching how my sons father their children. I don’t know how or what I imparted to them, but I see them being better fathers than I was. They minister love to their children in ways I never came close to. It thrills me to see the care and wisdom they have that I feel I lacked. Perhaps, this exemplifies the first principle I want to encourage fathers with: you will fall, but you are not Humpty-Dumpty. You won’t shatter. You will fail, but you are not a failure.
One area where we tend to trip is in our desire to have a good appearance in the community. We can put too much emphasis on performance, and in doing so, we demand and enforce the behavior we want to see in our children, the behavior we think everyone around us expects from our family. That springs from pride. Get rid of it.
What we need to be doing is fulfilling the role of priest to the family. Before you get caught up into denominational images, let’s look at the function of Old Testament priests. They taught God’s Word. They served in the temple and offered sacrifices for the people. They judged whether a person was clean from things like leprosy or other matters. How does that apply to today and the family? Fathers are responsible for the spiritual health of his family. It’s not a matter of comfort or convenience. It is purposeful.
Proverbs 27:23, written specifically about taking care of business, has application toward the family responsibilities as well. It exhorts men to know the condition of their flocks. Fathers need to be intimately involved with the family, knowing when members are doing well or heading into trouble. My mom told me her dad often hid in the barn and peered out cracks to see if his kids were doing something wrong. Being a gotcha-dad is not in any way God’s goal for fathers. Neither is the opposite. Being permissive has equally hazardous pitfalls. Parenting needs to happen organically: discussions when you rise or go to bed, while doing projects together side-by-side, or while walking along the way. Organically also means it is not a checklist item, but it does require perseverance, so you don’t forget it in passing.
All of the positive actions require your presence in the lives of your children. But being or getting into the presence of God is the most important. Wisdom that you will need begins there. He gives strength to press on when all you want to do is escape or hand the responsibility off to another. Love, grace, forgiveness, even faith to pray: Jesus is the wellspring for you. Yes, you will still fall, but take heart, fathers. He has a promise verse for you. Psalm 37:23-24 (NKJV) “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, And He delights in his way.24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand.”
