Conflict is shaping our world. It’s something we can’t escape, and too often our lives feel out of control because of it. Conflict shows up in our families, friendships, workplaces, and even in our churches. When tensions rise, we often to try to manage or even control the other person’s behavior.
Peace doesn’t come from controlling others. Peace comes from remembering what God has placed within our circle of control. When we shift our focus back to the choices, attitudes, and words that we are responsible for, and release the rest to God, conflict can be transformed into an opportunity for growth.
Understanding Your Circle of Control in Conflict
Our circle of control contains what God has placed within our abilities, such as our attitudes, choices, words and actions. These are things that we have the ability to control when we rely upon God’s strength and learn to trust God to take care of the things that are outside of our control. What is outside of our circle of control are our concerns about others’ behavior, outcomes, and circumstances beyond our control.
As a parent, I’ve learned much about what’s outside of my circle of control and what to trust God for. Any parent, especially of a toddler or a teen, will share that there is only so much influence one can have over their children. Ultimately their lives are up to them and their relationship with God. We can bang our heads against the wall all day long telling them what to do, or we can stay within our circle of control by lovingly showing them what to do. Telling only leads to frustration, anxiety, perhaps even anger, or worse, estrangement. But showing? When we lead by showing, it can lead to open communication, increased understanding and opportunities for reconciliation, peace and growth. Even when conflict cannot be resolved, this truth remains. We can transform conflict.
How the Circle of Control Strengthens Relational Wisdom
Our church’s women’s ministry recently hosted a mini-retreat. During the retreat we learned about Relational Wisdom. Relational Wisdom focuses on our relationships with ourselves, with God, and with others. As we take the time to become more aware in each of these relationships, we can recognize, understand, and empathize not only with the experiences, emotions, values, and interests of others, but also with our own. We can see the person, and ourselves, separate from the fear and anxiety that drive conflict.
It starts with us and within our circle of control. By focusing on things that are within our circle of control, such as our choices, actions and attitudes, while also viewing life through God’s lens of love and reconciliation, we can begin to see each other through all the noise of conflict.
We can recognize things in ourselves we might not have noticed before. Things like implicit bias, where we are not even consciously aware of the attitudes we hold. Things like not choosing to take care of the body, which is the temple of the Spirit within us. This neglect can lead to dis-ease and disease, from chronic pain and other major health issues to something as acute as hangriness. Self-neglect increases stress hormones which can cause us to feel reactive and on edge. When we don’t adequately nourish our body and mind, aggression and anxiety can lead to impulsive actions, less control of our emotions and heightened frustration.
As we become more self-aware we make better choices and we can respond better to conflict with trust in God. We can manage ourselves in ways that reconcile relationships and change lives. We can choose to respond with respect and relational wisdom.
Practical Ways to Transform Conflict by Staying in Our Circle of Control
Staying within our circle of control helps us practice Relational Wisdom. Some ways in which we can help transform conflict in and around us include:
1. Being God-Aware. Prayerfully seek God’s wisdom and strength. Invite God into the moment before you even have a chance to react.
2. Being Self-Aware: What are my motives? Notice any emotions, triggers and responses. Am I trying to fix or control others, or am I choosing to stay within my circle of control? Am I trusting God with what is outside of my circle of control?
3. Being Other-Aware: Am I choosing to respond with grace, empathy and boundaries (rather than to react)? Am I respecting others without overstepping into something outside of my control? Choose gentle words here, toward the other person and toward yourself. As Proverbs 15:1 reminds us, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”
4. Release the Outcome: Trust in God for the results. We can release the outcome and receive the peace of knowing we are doing what we are called and equipped to do when we focus on being faithful to what God has given us within our control.
A Real-Life Circle of Control
Relationships are complicated. We each come to the table with different experiences and beliefs. Yet, we can find commonality to build upon as we share at the table.
As a child, I was exposed to certain fundamental teachings that did not resonate with my soul. For years I struggled with the dichotomy of it all. On one side of the equation I was taught that I was responsible for ensuring the salvation of people I encountered, yet also told to stay away from certain people based on how they believed or the color of their skin. On the other side was the feeling deep in my soul that the means of how I was to approach this insurmountable task were less than loving. Constantly trying to assure the salvation of others felt like a burden too heavy for anyone to bear. Wouldn’t that be an attempt at playing God?
I assure you, I am way too flawed for that!
I recall one day fervently praying for a kid bullying me on the elementary school bus. It wasn’t that I was praying so much for the bullying to stop as I was for his heart. I prayed to the point of crying – which naturally led to more bullying. Was it wrong to pray? Of course not. What was wrong was that on top of being bullied, I was so anxious and knotted up inside thinking this child’s salvation rested solely upon my shoulders.
I didn’t know how to release the outcome to God. I was taught that something outside of my circle of control was my responsibility.
There have been what many would consider bullies into my adulthood. However, becoming more self-aware has helped me recognize the emotions and triggers that come from my childhood experiences. Remembering to focus on my circle of control has helped me to respond more than react, and to lean more into being other-aware.
In a world where people dismiss each other so quickly and too often give up on relationships, we must become more other-aware. By knowing that everyone’s experiences (and how they experienced them) will be different, and responding with gentleness and empathy, we can begin conversations. We can get curious and ask what led a person to believe or think the way they do. Those who are willing to share have opened my eyes to experiences we may have in common, and others I pray to never experience and for them never to again.
Releasing the Outcome
Yes, it’s a vulnerable place to be, but I would much rather know I’ve tried this path toward peace than given up, or worse yet, reacted with more negativity and toxicity.
This peace can be had, even if releasing it to God means an uncertain future for the relationship. We plant the seeds from our circle of control. God does the rest. When we truly release it to God we can find peace. When we have peace, joy follows. Joy may not be the loudest voice in the room, but loud does not always mean effective. In this time that we are bombarded by loud voices telling us how we should live, let us rather be the most impactful voices.
Conflict doesn’t have to leave us drained or divided. When we focus on what God has placed in our circle of control and surrender the rest to Him, we discover freedom, peace, and even the possibility of reconciliation. The path isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it. In choosing humility, gentleness, and trust in God, we reflect Christ to a watching world. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). The next time you feel tension rising, pause and ask yourself: Am I trying to control what only God can handle, or am I faithfully stewarding what God has given me to do?
Laura, thanks so much for this wonderful post. Lots of helpful information.
Thank you, friend. You are writing from your heart and experience. Wonderful to journey together. This is a very helpful article.
Thanks for this practical way of looking at relationships.