The consequences of living in a state of resentment and unforgiveness takes a toll on one’s mental and emotional health.
On the flip side, the payoff of walking in forgiveness towards oneself and others is monumental.
Is it possible to really forgive and disregard the offenses of others?
Can we truly experience self-forgiveness?
Read on if you are interested in learning how to “not repay evil for evil.”
1st Peter 4:8 states, “Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and [a]disregards the offenses of others].”
Clinical Impressions…
When I minister inside the church and work with families in the secular arena, I observe that mankind truly struggles with offense and forgiveness.
I wish I could say it isn’t a consistent theme, but people wrestle with forgiveness – big time!
Regardless of gender, age, race, ethnicity or background, people are hurting and their wounds are festering.
Turning the cheek is not an easy thing to do, but as “God’s kids” we ought to be willing to follow the pattern outlined in scripture.
Who doesn’t want to have a conscience void of offense toward God and toward men?
Psychological statistics…
According to experts, the toll of harboring bitterness acts like chronic stress.
It leads to physical tension, interrupted sleep, and keeps your body reacting to the past trauma— over and over again.
Simply put, staying in a heightened state of stress elevates hormones – like cortisol.
This is detrimental to one’s overall health.
Psychological studies state that when people replay hurtful events repeatedly, this activates the same neural pathways as experiencing trauma the first time.
John’s Hopkins Medicine says, “holding onto deep resentment is linked to a higher likelihood of experiencing severe depression, anger, and post-traumatic stress disorder.”
Your Brain and Unforgiveness
Science touts, “the emotional anguish that comes from unforgiveness is a self-imposed prison of anger, anxiety, depression and stress.”
According to one study, when you hold onto resentment, specific things happen in your brain:
- Your amygdala, or the threat detection center stays activated, keeping you in a state of perceived danger
- The prefrontal cortex, or area responsible for rational thinking and regulation struggles to do its job
- Your anterior cingulate cortex constantly monitors for conflict
In other words, your brain treats unresolved resentment like an ongoing threat. You’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode even when the person who hurt you isn’t around.
It’s as if you’ve become “a little irrational”—and it’s exhausting.
Release it!
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors
Sometimes it’s good to seek out professional help.
Therapists assist their clients in processing lingering anger and resentment. The recognition of “unforgiveness” is in itself an initial, healing step. Letting go of unforgiveness is a normal, valid emotional response to abuse, betrayal or trauma.
When clients do express a desire to work through unforgiveness, clinicians utilize a few structured frameworks.
Known as the “forgiveness trailblazer,” Dr. Robert Enright, developed the tool (ESFI)—the Enright Self-Forgiveness Inventory. If you are interested in this type of assessment, check out the ESFI test.
Of note: I would suggest you find a therapist who offers Acceptance and Commitment Therapy so you can learn how to stop giving emotional energy to your offenders.
The Hook of Unforgiveness
This psychological concept of unforgiveness is often referred to as the “Hook of Unforgiveness.”
We understand that chronic unforgiveness can fuel cycles of anxiety and depression. The visual of this hook offers us a picture of this that is better than a thousand words.
- The Metaphor: Refusing to forgive is like you and the offender being stuck on the same giant hook. Wherever you go, the offender and the pain travel with you.
- The Illusion: We often think releasing a grudge “lets the other person off the hook” or punishes them. In reality, the other person is rarely affected, while the grudge eats away at your own well-being.
To rephrase it, “unforgiveness is a hook that keeps you painfully tethered to the person who hurt you.”
My story of unforgiveness
In 2001, I was trying to get free from offenses infecting my soul.
I recall the voice of the prayer intercessor speaking to me, “you need to forgive her… you’re holding a bitter root against her and it’s defiling many.”
As I navigated the raging waters of unforgiveness, I bought a book about the spiritual roots of disease. I remember devouring the pages of A More Excellent Way: Be in Health.”
The author concurs with scientific literature as he writes, “the first block to healing is lack of forgiveness and is the most important one.”
Overlook the Offense…
A second book that really helped me with my battle of unforgiveness was The Bait of Satan, by John Bervere
Offense is a tool the devil uses to bring people into captivity. Revenge is the trap.
In chapter one, John Bevere writes, “The Greek word for offend comes from the word skandalon – a word originally referred to as the part of a trap to which the bait was attached.
John continues in Chapter Ten, “Jesus offended some people by obeying His Father, but He never caused an offense in order to assert His own rights.”
Forgive and you shall be forgiven
People around the world have been inspired by the way the Amish expressed forgiveness toward others.
The story of what happened in the school shooting resulting in the death of five Amish children from Nickel Mines, PA on October 5, 2006, still hits home when I recall the horrific events.
I can’t imagine this great tragedy as a man stormed into a one-room schoolhouse, shot ten girls and then killed himself.
The Amish understand the many benefits to walking in forgiveness.
As the bible says, it takes greater character and self-control to calmly pass over a wrong than to react immediately to it (Prov 16:32).
What’s the upside to Forgiveness?
Per neuroscience, our brain benefits from forgiveness in the following ways:
- The prefrontal cortex shifts from reactive to intentional thought
- Prefrontal cortex activity increases while amygdala activation decreases
- Your heart rate lowers
- Cortisol production drops
While serious issues require confrontation, letting go of petty grievances builds mutual respect and earns honor. The bottom line is; as we overlook small, unintentional offenses, unnecessary conflict will be avoided.
Heartland Forgiveness Project
I want to share with you The Heartland Forgiveness Scale. It is a favorite therapeutic tool I used in my clinical work before I retired.
When I was helping clients with forgiving others, the Forgiveness Quiz | Greater Good was my go-to resource.
If you’re interested in taking this eighteen-question assessment, follow this link to understand your score
The process of forgiveness transforms a person’s responses to the transgressor, transgression, and the negative consequences of the transgression.
In line with HFP, a response is defined as a person’s transgression- and transgressor-related thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Reactionary sins…
By using the scale by HFP, I have learned the concept of responses has two components: valence and strength.
Valence refers to whether the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are negative, neutral, or positive.
Strength refers to the intensity and intrusiveness of the thoughts, feelings, or behaviors; this can vary as a result of factors such as the perceived harm caused by the transgression.
In other words, as a person forgives, their negative response can be transformed in at least two ways – which is great news!
Some argue that in order to forgive, a person must develop compassion and empathy for the transgressor, but it is not necessary to develop positive responses such as compassion and empathy.
Biblical Application
The New Testament gives is a strong warning about unforgiveness.
I feel it’s a rather harsh consequence, but the Bible says if someone refuses to forgive, they will be turned over to “the tormentors.”
Of interest, this Greek word refers to physical jailers or torturers.
Some scholars believe if a Christian continues to harbor deep, unrepentant unforgiveness, you could be “opening the door to spiritual/demonic oppression.”
Jesus gave the rightful means of handling offense, and it was “to resolve it swiftly,” so let’s just get in line and comply with his directive.
There is a personal upside to using good sense and discretion while being angry – for its “to the honor of the offended party to overlook the transgression.”
What forgiveness towards others is not…
Please note, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you condone their actions or have to reconcile with them.
Forgiveness does not always involve the offended party, erase the event, or excuse someone’s harmful behavior.
Likewise, forgiveness does not require reconciliation. In fact, when a bad situation is still going on, it’s mindful to maintain safe/firm boundaries.
In some cases, it may mean we cut ties completely with the offending party.
Four R’s of self-forgiveness
A great resource regarding self-forgiveness can be found on Dr. Dawn Elise- Snipes’ YouTube channel.
The gist of the information from her CBT video on unforgiveness is spelled out below.
You can inquire about the “4 R’s” if you’re interested.
• Responsibility: Have I honestly admitted to my mistake, or am I downplaying, justifying, or blaming others?
• Remorse: Do I feel genuine sorrow for the impact of my actions, or am I primary feeling just shame and self-hatred?
• Repair: Have I done everything in my power to make amends to the people I hurt?
• Release: Am I actively letting go of the anger and beating myself up, or am I punishing myself – holding onto the guilt?
Additional references on self-forgiveness…
Self-assessments are not just scored quizzes but rather a reflective checklist that helps to gauge whether an individual has achieved true self-forgiveness or is simply trying to avoid an issue.
A typical self-forgiveness test evaluates one’s ability to release guilt, take responsibility for past mistakes, and treat oneself with compassion.
1) A very thorough, self-directed learning booklet on self-forgiveness can be found here.
2) Visit this Guided Forgiveness Meditation/podcast
3) Learn how to write a letter of self-forgiveness
4) Check out this YouTube video about the harm of you trapping yourself in the exact offense you are trying to escape.
5) Forgiveness is a Gift We Give Ourselves.
Read here to learn more about forgiving family and friends.
Final thoughts…
Be encouraged! With God’s help, we can successfully navigate the treacherous waters of unforgiveness.
To enjoy higher levels of mental health, hope and relationship satisfaction, and decrease levels of hostility and anxiety, we must choose to extend forgiveness towards our offender.
Likewise, if a friend was struggling to forgive themselves, you would likely remind them of God’s grace and encourage them to extend grace to themselves.
Offering yourself the same compassion can be a powerful step toward self-empathy.
In summary, genuine self-forgiveness means I am able to think about my mistake without experiencing intense feelings of self-loathing or disgust.
Once we receive God’s forgiveness towards ourselves, we will cease using our past mistakes as proof that we don’t deserve happiness.
What freedom we can enjoy as we walk according to the Holy Spirit! The best is yet to come…..